I Did Nothing

I remember that face on the left well.  The first time I saw it come across the Reece's Rainbow orphan photo list, I thought:  "Well this little cutie will be snatched up by some adoring family quick!" 

And so I did nothing. 

Because I did nothing, little brown eyes was sent to an over crowded mental institution.  The photo on the right is what he looked like after spending just a few short months in the institution.  When the dramatic transformation was posted on the internet, I was reminded:

I did nothing.

Today I learned that precious baby boy has gone on to be with his Creator.  He didn't survive the institution.  

Lesson learned. 

Russia and Putin didn't fail this little guy....the church didn't fail him either....humanity failed him.  He was a human being filled with desire to be held, touched, spoken to, and loved.  He should have mattered more to me while he was alive, but in his death, he has left an indelible print on my heart.  I am different today because of his story.  Next time, I'll do something!  

"If there is any kindness I can show, or any good thing I can do to any fellow being, let me do it now, and not deter or neglect it, as I shall not pass this way again."
-- William Penn    

Obstacles And Dreams Culminate This Evening

I'm in love with an 18 year old boy with sandy brown hair, chocolate brown puppy dog eyes, and eyelashes long enough to sweep the floor.  When he was 10 weeks of age, I bundled him up in my arms and held him tightly as we escaped my first marriage.  In some ways it seems like yesterday:

OBSTACLES   

As a result of my first marriage choice, Caleb's life has not been an easy one.  While most little boys were enjoying a weekend around a boy scout campfire, he was often on required visitation with one who had a fiery temper.  And when the neighbor kid came home with a bruise from being tackled by a fellow team mate, my little kid sometimes came home with a bruise from one who should've been on his team.  We fought the family court for years, but as my lawschool professors often tell us:  "If you are looking for justice, you're never going to find it in the courtroom." 

At the age of 13, my sandy haired hero found courage to stand up and say "no more".  He hasn't visited or spoken to the man since.  A few months ago, he legally changed his name to Hollis, which symbolized, to him, freedom.  Sweet freedom.

AND DREAMS

Even with the many obstacles that stood in his way, Caleb always allowed himself to dream.  From the time he could stand, he was throwing a ball, swinging a golf club, and shooting hoops.  And while other boys' first dreams were to be a firefighter or a cowboy, his was to be a football star.  When I fled my home in 1994 carrying a little fella in my arms, I didn't fully realize that I was also clutching a dream that day.  My dream that his life would be safe, full, and happy one.  Because I held that little 10 week old dream in my arms, he is now able to hold his dream.  

CULMINATE THIS EVENING!

 

This evening, Caleb's game will be broadcasted on CSS for 5.5 million people to see.  This evening, he IS a football star.  At 7pm, I will be sitting in the stands surrounded by hundreds of screaming Independence Eagle fans.  The fan section will be painted with the team's colors of blue, gold, and green....cheerleaders will be shouting and jumping about while band members blow their horns and bang their cymbals.  But I will block it all out.  My ears will be listening for the sound of two size 14 shoes entering the gates of the field.  Give me 100 men, and I'll be able to choose the cadence of my son's footsteps in the mix of them all.  I will calculate every play with him, throw every ball with him, and take every tackle with him this evening.  But most of all, I will bask in the dream with him.

"May your trails be crooked, winding, lonesome, dangerous...leading to the most amazing view.  May your mountains rise into and above the clouds!"  (Edward Abbey)

       

Victory In Jesus

Today would normally be greeted with excitement and anticipation.  Hugs would be given, gifts opened, and a cake would be cut.  Today is Natalie's 15th birthday, but she's not here.  And the house seems empty.

This week has been a tough one.  I've dreaded today, a day that symbolizes our daughter's entry into the world.  Reactive Attachment Disorder has hijacked two years from Natalie and from my family.  Her pictures decorate the house and serve as a reminder of how life was BEFORE the disorder climbed from the pit of hell and wrapped it's talons tightly around our unsuspecting girl.  Every single day, I long to go back in time.

Natalie is still struggling even though she is, thankfully, making steady progress at the therapeutic boarding school.  So far, we've all been forced to accept a slow healing instead of the parting of the Red Sea type miracle we pray and faith for.  And in it all, I feel lost.  Totally lost and completely dependent upon a God I wish I could see, touch, and hear. 

Sure, He shows up routinely in many ways:  a message from a friend, a particularly tight squeeze from Hopey, or an "I love you so much Momma" from Caleb....but at this place in my life, I want to hold his nail-scarred hands, see the sparkle of love in His eyes, and feel His warm breath in my ear as He speaks  the power of truth over me and my family.  I want to give My Father a big bear hug and cry on His shoulder!  Would I fall on my knees if the Lord showed up at my front door today?  No, I would pack Him up in my Suburban, drive Him to Natalie as fast as I could, and watch Him heal her.  It's the absolute truth! I'm ready for healing NOW!   

Lydia has days where she bursts into tears, missing her sister.  At 15, she is still trying to process Natalie's mental breakdown, her physical aggression, and the hateful words spoken.  She knows none of the hysteria was Natalie's fault...that it was the result of a disorder triggered by a latent memory of the Russian orphanage experience...but her heart is still hurting.  On the phone, when I speak to Natalie, she always cries.  At 15, she is lost in the confusion of her breakdown, trying to figure out why she battles the feelings of aggression and hate, and wondering if she'll ever feel whole and happy again.

And they both reach out to me.  At 45 years of age, you'd think I would've garnered enough wisdom to fix this.  I'm their mom, and know them better than anyone, so where are the words...where are the words.....WHERE ARE THE WORDS? 

When you choose to believe in a God you cannot see or hear (and make no mistake, it is a choice), the only answer is to go to the foundation of what you believe....His Story.  His Word.  So today, on Natalie's birthday, I celebrate what I believe.  I believe Psalm 139 is true...that nothing is lacking and no detail has been left unattended. Everything Natalie is going through is part of the grand plan of the One who created her.  Her days were numbered and ALL was put in place and ready to go from the moment His heart conceived her.  And I absolutely believe in those beautiful nail scarred hands.  When Jesus was hanging on the cross, and the pain was almost more than He could bear, I believe the Almighty King of Kings thought of me and He thought of Natalie. Although the angels were camped around Him, ready to rescue Him from that gruesome scene , He knew how much we needed that cross and He went all the way for us.  He finished strong.  Then, when he burst with life from the tomb with victory, that too, was for us!  Victory was ours the moment He awoke from death and stepped from the grave!  WHERE ARE THE WORDS????  There is only one word needed:  VICTORY!

So this evening, our family will gather around and cut a cake for Natalie's birthday in her absence...but we won't be singing Happy Birthday.  Instead, in honor of Natalie, we'll be singing:

OH, VICTORY IN JESUS,

MY SAVIOUR FOREVER

HE SOUGHT ME

AND HE BOUGHT ME

WITH HIS REDEEMING BLOOD

HE LOVED ME

ERE I KNEW HIM

AND ALL MY LOVE

IS DUE HIM

HE PLUNGED ME TO VICTORY

BENEATH THE

CLEANSING BLOOD

Psalm 139: 13-16:  Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;

you formed me in my mother’s womb.

I thank you, High God—you’re breathtaking!

Body and soul, I am marvelously made!

I worship in adoration—what a creation!

You know me inside and out,

you know every bone in my body;

You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,

how I was sculpted from nothing into something.

Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;

all the stages of my life were spread out before you,

The days of my life all prepared

before I’d even lived one day.

  

14 Hours Of Miracles!

In the last 14 hours, two miracles have happened in our family.  Two Miracles.  I am overwhelmed.  The first miracle involves her:

Hopey turns 8 years old on September 5th and remains completely non-verbal.  This morning, she awoke EARLY and started playing with her angel (yep, it's a real angel that none of the rest of us can see---if you're ever around Hopey for a long period of time, you'll witness it yourself).  She was running all over the house giggling and playing when ALL OF A SUDDEN, she said:  "Where is it?"  followed by:  "There it is!"  and a whole bunch of giggles.  My heart just about popped out of my chest.  She hasn't said anything since, but God is answering our prayers.  Hopey is going to speak! 

The second miracle involves him:

who looked like THIS exactly one year ago after breaking two bones in his arm after a scrimmage:

 

It happened just before Caleb's junior season....he missed every game and was only able to play in a single play-off game.  Over the 3 months that it took his arm to heal, Caleb battled depression as he considered, for the first time, that his dreams of playing college football might not come true. 

But ever the athlete, he worked diligently this summer to rehabilitate (thank you Axel Burgos!):

Last night, in a full pre-season scrimmage in Tullahoma, TN, Caleb completed 12 of 15 passes and threw just shy of 300 yards in the first quarter and a half of the game.  The coach then put the second string quarterback into the game.  Caleb, in the first quarter and a half completed three touchdown throws.  The score when they pulled him was 34-3. 

The miracle wasn't the athletic feat of Caleb last night, even though that was amazing.  The miracle for me was in seeing Caleb's face after the game.  God allowed Caleb's faith to be tested last year, and while Caleb wrestled with God as he stood on the sideline last year with a cast on his arm, he ultimately made the decision to preservere with much faith, with dedication, and with hard work.....trusting God....and believing He has a plan and purpose for all things.   

For football fans, here is film from last night's miracle: 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H0eJeDsAdEQ    

A Friend Called 'Harley'

You would all be proud of Natalie.  Your prayers for her are being answered.  Each time I hear from her by letter or talk to her on the phone, she speaks of how God is doing amazing things in her life....how she is learning to place the burdens of her heart upon Him....and how she is giving herself permission to receive His healing from past abuse and neglect that happened in a Russian orphanage when she was just a little girl. 

Life is a process, isn't it?  Many days I have wished God had chosen to make us all like Samantha of 'Bewitched'.  Wouldn't it be nice to have the capability to change things or erase things with a simple wiggle of our chin?  "Wiggle"....erase the fact that I'm hurting.  "Wiggle"...erase the harsh words I just spoke.   "Wiggle"....well, you get the picture. 

But God, in His wisdom, decided we needed to learn life's lessons through the hard stuff.  And, as always, He was correct.  The heartaches we go through, indeed, are often blessings in disguise.  Those bumps in our proverbial life path are what teach us to preservere, to have faith, to cling to God, and to realize how much we NEED our Savior.  Natalie is now facing a bump in her life's path because of a friend called Harley.  Here is the story:

Recently, Natalie earned the responsibility of caring for the horses at the therapeutic boarding school where she is temporarily residing.  And with that responsibility came JOY!  It has been a long time since I've heard a spark in Natalie's voice, so when I heard it, I basked in it.  Oh, so thankful to God for those horses she was getting to care for each morning.  One particular horse, Harley, she talked about...and talked about....and talked about.  This horse followed her around like a puppy dog and would nudge her in the back whenever she would pay attention to any other horse.  Natalie giggled when she talked about Harley.  I could "hear" the smile in Natalie's voice.  I smiled with her.  I thanked God for Harley.  I even wondered how Natalie would leave the boarding school without Harley.  I began thinking of how we might need to bring Harley home WITH Natalie.  ha! ha!

This morning, I received the following email from the boarding school:

I wanted to let all of you know of something that happened this past week so if your daughter needs to talk about it with you, you will know what happened.

15 months ago today a baby horse, Harley, was born here at the school. At three months she spooked and did a back flip and hurt her neck and caused a slight vision problem. We kept hoping and praying that we could work her through this.

We did not know it at first but then came to realize that she was born with a club foot. We always wondered why she had to do a giraffe stretch to get her head down to eat grass. Her body could not stay lined up (chiropractically speaking) and this was causing constant issues and continual pains. We kept the ferrier, vet, and chiropractic vet helping her and watching her. She could not turn her head back to reach herself when she needed to itch, she could not lift her legs to help either. This past week when we went out to brush her, she could not pick up her back leg which was one of her good legs. She just drug it behind her.

It was not fair to keep her in constant sufferings. She was never going to be pain free, never going to grow out of her deformities, and never would be able to be ridden.

No matter how much we wanted to keep her and love her, it was not fair to her. We had to do what was best for her and she was put to sleep yesterday. This was a very hard decision but one that had to be done. Our house is sad but this is part of life. I wanted to let all of you know.

My heart is breaking for Natalie.  And yet I know God saw this "bump" all those days when Natalie was lovingly brushing Harley, when Harley was following her around like a puppy....and perhaps He giggled along with Natalie when Harley would nudge her back saying:  "I still want your attention!"  God sees it all.  He knows it all. 

And as I've cried a river over a horse I don't even know this morning, three things have stuck out in my head:  

1.  how awesome is it that Natalie never noticed that Harley had special needs? She never once mentioned it.   She simply loved her.  And think about it, Natalie has special needs as well.  And Harley didn't notice.  What a beautiful picture the two of them made of God's perfect love for all of us....His children!!! 

2.  I reached out to this therapeutic boarding school a little more than a year ago when Natalie first began to show the extreme signs of Reactive Attachment Disorder....and that would've been just around the time of Harley's accident.  At the time, I knew in my heart this was the place for Natalie, but I just wasn't ready to let go and let her get care so far away from home.  

3.  and what strikes me the most, is that Harley LIVED in spite of her neck injury, the problem with her eyesight, and the club foot....she lived long enough to meet and become Natalie's buddy.  The truth is, Natalie should've been at that school a year ago when the Lord first led me in that direction, but my own fear caused me to chase after avenues that were more pleasing to me....I was driven by my desire to keep Natalie either at home or as close to home as possible.  But God spared Harley.  He kept her going through all of her pain until she could meet the one she was created for.   

Some may think I am nuts, but yes, I honestly believe when God created Natalie, He saw ahead at all the struggles she would face and placed a horse called Harley on her life's path....and when Harley came into the world, I believe He whispered secrets to her about Natalie, the little girl that she was to love and follow around like a puppy.  I believe we serve a God who is that big, who is that creative, and who is that amazing.  Afterall, how else would you explain that fact that Harley is the one who helped Natalie find her spark of joy again?   

Please pray for Natalie as she grieves....and pray that she will continue to grow and blossom into the incredible young woman God created her to be.  

As for me, I will forever be grateful for Natalie's friend called "Harley".

"God gives.  God takes.  God's name be ever blessed!"  (Job 1:21)

I Want To Be Just Like Him

 

"I want to be just like him some day".... I must have thought that thought more than a million times when I was growing up.  I watched him care for his crippled wife who couldn't feed herself, couldn't dress herself, couldn't bathe herself, and who was bound to a wheelchair.  He treated her with such tenderness, honor, and unyielding devotion.....she repaid him with the unabashed kind of love you only read about in famous novels that have passed the test of time.

Fast forward the reel of life, and I am now a caretaker.  Isn't it ironic how God uses life lessons to prepare you for His divine plans?  I now see "why" that incredible man was placed into my life.  The picture is clear, because now I feed two little one's who cannot feed themselves, I dress them, bathe them, support their sensory issues and since they cannot speak, I get to be their voice too.  The tenderness and unyielding devotion that man had to his wife makes perfect sense to me now.  It was easy for him, because he put himself into her shoes every moment of every day.  A day never passed that he didn't stop to imagine what it would be like to be handicapped like her.  I know this is true, because I now do the same.  And that unabashed love she had for him, my little ones now lavish upon me.  Oh, how blessed I am to hold these truths close to my heart.

The June 16th devotion from Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost For His Highest" left me sobbing.  It talked of just this very subject.  To quote:  "Jesus does not ask me to die for Him, but to lay down my life for Him....It is much easier to die than to lay down your life day in and day out with the sense of the high calling of God...Salvation is easy for us, because it cost God so much.  But the exhibiting of salvation in my life is difficult." 

That man with the crippled wife understood these words.  And now I do.

My nature is to be social.  I am a people person who enjoys going out with friends and having a grand time.  I would love to be able to go on misson trips to Africa, to be a regular part of a book club, to lead a Bible study for women in my neighborhood, etc.....But my calling is to give up that part of me, to sacrifice that part of me, and to be a caretaker.  To be the absolute center of two little lives who need me.

We recently hired a babysitter to come once a week, on Sunday evenings, to watch Hope and Charlie for a few hours so we could get out and enjoy intentional time with our older children.  This sitter was very trained, she has a degree teemed with experience working with special needs children in the local school system.  I had high hopes, but last Sunday when we returned home, I knew this was going to be another sitter (from a very long line of many) to never return to my home again.  Her words over a facebook message to me today:

I hope your having a great week! I want to first say that I loved meeting you and your family on Sunday. Charlie and Hope are adorable and very sweet. I am writing to let you know that I have been thinking and praying about this situation since Sunday night. I enjoyed babysitting Hope and Charlie, but I was very worried or Hope's safety and my ability to keep both of them safe. After much thought and prayer, I have decided to cancel the babysitting job we have set for Sunday. I wish you all the best and I know you will find the right fit for your family, but at this time I don't feel that it's me. Thanks again for allowing me to take care of your babies and best of luck to you.

And it stings.  No, it is worse than a sting.  It is actually physically painful to my heart.  My darlings have been rejected yet again.

The truth is, I live with two little ones who are rejected by society daily because they are so different.  Even typing those words causes me to begin sobbing all over again.  Churches have told us there is no place for Hope and Charlie because of their "unique" needs...we no longer get social invitations from "friends"; in fact, our last invitation was when Hopey was still a very small baby....and babysitters are typically only a one time deal.   In restaurants, people move tables to get away from our family.  In malls, people stare and shake their heads in disgust.  Recently, a man stopped to inform Chappy that Hopey was too big to be in a stroller...that she needed to walk like everyone else.  Chappy just smiled and walked on, knowing that Hopey heard and understood the words the man had said.  But she didn't have a voice to be able to explain how her body goes into sensory overload in a crowded space and how her stroller gives her security.  For the sake of all that is good in this world, she is seven and doesn't have a voice!  I remain in a horrible state of awe about how our world treats the weak.  After nearly 8 years, I am still shocked by the cruelty of it all.

But then Oswald Chambers comes along to remind me that what matters to God is that I am true to His calling for my life.  My life is not my own.  I have been bought with a price.   And the lessons I am learning are FOR ME!  The hurt and the pain is FOR ME!  So that I may step out and use that pain for good.  And that is the real message of this post. 

The man in the picture above is my grandfather, and his crippled wife was my beloved grandmother.  I grew up hearing stories of how she was rejected, even told that "people like her should stay home where they belonged".  But my grandfather wouldn't allow it.  He paraded her around with such pride.  I watched it.  He applied her makeup, fixed her hair, dressed her in beautiful clothes and showed the world how much he loved her.  And it made a difference.  To me.

So, in spite of the world, I will do the same.  Because I want to be just like him!

NOTE:  In a few weeks, Chappy and I are going to be partnering with a wonderful church in our area to begin a Saturday service that will be open for special needs families.....where families can openly worship together!  Will some of the individuals who have special needs shout out and make noise during the service?  Oh, I hope so.  What a heavenly noise that will be!!!  Will some get up and dance?  I REALLY hope so!  I can think of nothing that would please the Lord more than a special needs child jumping up to dance for Him.  Our goal is for people to come just as they are to worship our incredible God who is Creator of ALL and Who never makes mistakes!  The percentage is pretty staggering:  90% of families who have special needs members do NOT attend church.  We are so thrilled about this new ministry and will post more specific details as we have them!

A Modern Day Miracle Of Sorts

This video is sadly based on fact....too many times people are afraid of things they are not familiar with.  By choosing to embrace our circumstances and laugh, we are hopefully making a powerful statement.  Life is too short to focus on the negative.  We choose JOY!!!