The Get-Away!

We escaped to the beach for a few days to celebrate our positive news RE: Hopey. Here is a brief list of things we have experienced in the last 48 hours:

1. Hope reaching simultaneously for my hand and Chappy's hand. Once grasping them, trying to "skip" like a real little girl her age would do. While she still lacks the ability to "skip", she did her very best and we praised her efforts like crazy. Can you imagine the smile?

2. Charlie....petrified of the swimming pool and gripping our SKIN as tightly as possible. Who said kids with Down Syndrome have weak muscle tone???

3. 30+ sting-rays of some sort swimming only 15 feet from the shore....playing with one another, riding the waves in and then zooming out....soaring into the air effortlessly....putting on an incredible two hour show. Lydia and Natalie (with goggles), meanwhile, timidly swimming out to see them and then squealing (nearly walking on water for escape) when the "rays" came too close for comfort.

4. Finishing the book: "Tea with Hezbollah" by Ted Dekker and Carl Madearis. A MUST READ for all believers who want to explore the true meaning of "Loving Our Enemies". The book is a journal of a two week trip the two authors took to the Middle East to see if the story of "The Good Samaritan" is still relevant today. Two words that describe the book: spell-binding and jaw-dropping.

5. Caleb forgetting his size 14 flip flops (left them at home) and not being able to find a replacement pair anywhere....the typical response from store owners: "Size What???"

6. Walks along the sidewalks of Rosemary Beach with Trudy on her purple leash and the little ones in matching Winnie The Pooh strollers beneath a bazillion of the brightest stars....83 degree highs with little humidity and a constant breeze....fresh grouper with cheese grits....and homemade spinach/feta cheese bread from Lalobas Bakery.

Today, I sat on the porch and looked out over the vast emerald sea. It was one of those spectacular sunny days where it would be difficult for me to name anything more beautiful than the ocean along 30a. Hope was climbing in and out of the lounge chair with me and Charlie was sound asleep....the big kids were down on the beach and Chappy was busy washing all the salt and fingerprints from the sliding glass windows.

Nothing else mattered in those moments. Hopey's heart condition was as distant as the horizon.....the memory of a diagnosis as fleeting as the seagulls flying overhead. Peace. Beauty. Completely engulfed by God. Words of the day such as "Apocolypse" and "Armageddon" being bantered around like everyone should be expecting the end of time, news of the "Oil Spill" which is now projected to last for months, headlines reporting the tensions between "North Korea and South Korea" are rising, leaders of Iceland warning Katla Volcano will erupt soon causing a global impact, hurricane season is closing in and not looking good, Iran enriching Uranium in the face of the UN, Greece and Spain posing for bankruptcy and taking the Euro down the tubes, the stock market acting more like a roller coaster than a bull or a bear, and Simon Cowell leaving American Idol (ha! ha!)....none of that mattered to me. Senses on high alert only to the sound of the waves, the bristling of the palms, the scent of salt air, the freedom of the sting rays, and Hope's head leaning snug and safe against my chest.

Isn't it funny how life can be so enormous one minute you fear you might drown and then incredibly minute the next...more like a puddle? One breath with heart beating fast and palms sweating....the next full of calm and serenity. Same person. Same life. Same circumstances. God.

MRI News!

We were at the hospital much longer than intended yesterday. An emergency case came in by helicopter and took Hopey's spot, so we "semi-patiently" waited our turn. Hopey was supposed to have her MRI at 10am, but wasn't taken back until 1pm. She wasn't allowed to have any food after midnight the night before, so the little thing was so hungry. On top of hunger pains, she is petrified of the hospital and clung to my neck the entire time with wild eyes of pure fear. The day was exhausting.

We thought Hope was only going to have light sedation for the tests, but turned out, they used a full breathing tube on her and knocked her out completely. She came out of sedation with a horrible sore throat and pure delirium. At one point, she threw her head back and knocked my cheek so hard I saw stars. If you see me with a black eye, you'll know where it came from.

The MRI tests were somewhat positive, so we are taking the bit of good news and celebrating BIG TIME!!! The aneurysm is not impacting her Lungs or her Coronary Artery which would have required IMMEDIATE surgery! Praise the Lord!!!

Hope's aneurysm is indeed larger, and appears to be increasing in size even though the rate of change is unknown. The cardiac team will meet together next week (a team of 16) to discuss her MRI at length and will make a recommendation to us or will present a plan to us. Until then, we wait and hold onto the good news we received.

The team is still uncertain whether the aneurysm will rupture or not....and if it does, they do not know what that would mean for little Hope. Some believe it could be catastrophic while others believe we would have time to get her to the hospital to have the hole repaired. Never having seen anything like this before, they just don't know what to do. In addition, since the surgeon could not find the aneurysm during Hope's open heart surgery six months ago, the team is not optimistic he could find it if they opened her chest cavity up again to attempt to remove it again anytime soon. (The aneurysm can be seen clearly when her heart is pumping; however, when her heart is stopped for surgery, the aneurysm blends in with the rest of her heart muscle.) We can tell by what is "NOT SAID" as much as by what "is said" that the cardio team would like to surgically do something about the aneurysm.....but they remain conflicted.

Thank you for all of your prayers; honestly, we felt each one of them yesterday. For the first time in a long time, I was able to actually breathe in the hospital without feeling like I might hyperventilate at any given moment. The Father's hands held me safe all day.

During our long wait yesterday, Lydia sent a verse from Psalms to us via text. It was perfect: "May the Lord answer you in the day of trouble. May the Lord defend you. May He send you help from the sanctuary. May the Lord fulfill your petitions."

Off To The Hospital For Tests

We are headed out the door with the King of Kings and Lord of Lords at our side....the One who calls us by name....and is able to heal every broken place.

Expecting "MIRACLE-MAKING" news!!!
~Mel, Chap, and little Hope

Tomorrow is Hope's MRI

Well, tomorrow is Hopey's next "big day". We take her to Vanderbilt Children's Hospital at 9am to find out more about her little heart.

How do I feel?

My emotions are all over the place; a true indication of mortal weakness. I cry sometimes but at other times I laugh wildly at the silliest things.....my nerves are on high alert leaving me with a tingling sensation in my fingers and toes (and making typing a bit difficult at the moment).....I either eat like a total pig or can't manage a single bite.....I talk non-stop and very loudly or am stone silent....and I stay busy with something (or even nothing) most all of the time....writing songs with Lydia, dead-heading my flower garden, cooking, cleaning, reading, taxi-ing Caleb around to ball practices, and of course, being completely goofy with Hope and Charlie....making them laugh as much as is earthly possible. Occupying my time and mind with the mundane helps me to pass time. Nights are the true dread of my life each day right now. The quiet and darkness make sleep something my body mocks.

Thank you for all of your prayers and support. We are on our knees praying for a complete and total mirale tomorrow with all of the faith we can muster. Today is a day for boldness and power as we slip into our spiritual armor. When we walk into the hospital tomorrow, TRUTH will be buckled around our waist and RIGHTEOUSNESS will shine as bright as the sun on our chests. Our feet will carry us in PEACE, and in our left hand we will grip tightly to FAITH. SALVATION will be our cover and our right hand will be ready to swing the WORD OF GOD like a sword whenever needed.

There is nothing that can destroy the enemy aside from God's Word---In Ephesians 6, every other weapon is a protective weapon. But the SWORD, it is an offensive weapon that can be used to DESTROY. Right now, I would love nothing more than to absolutely obliterate Hope's aneurysm with God's Word!!! Believe me, I am using His Word for that very purpose. This momma woke from fits of broken slumber ready for a fight, and ready to stand for her baby girl against the enemy's evil schemes. Power from on high is filling me and regenerating me through your many prayers. I literally feel it.

As a young child, I hid God's Word in my heart when I went through years of Bible Drills on Sunday evenings at my beloved country church. In times like these, I find His Words springing forth from my mouth without my search for them. God's protection. The battle is on.

Come, Thou Fount Of Every Blessing.....

Come thou fount of every blessing, tune my heart to sing thy grace. Streams of mercy, never ceasing, call for songs of loudest praise. Teach me some melodious sonnet, sung by flaming tongues above. Praise His name---I'm fixed upon it. Name of God's redeeming love.

"Lord, I welcome you to come to me....I want you to refresh me and change my heart....allowing me the gift of loving You ever more. Your mercy is like the waves of the ocean, washing over me moment by moment without fail....teach me to know You more. I praise Your Name, just because You are You. You are the only One worthy of highest praise!"


Hither to thy love has blest me; thou hast bro't me to this place. And I know Thy hand will bring me safely home by Thy good grace. Jesus sought me when a stranger, Wandering from the fold of God; He, to rescue me from danger, bought me with His precious blood.


"You are in control of my life completely, and You have ordained this time in my life through Your perfect sovereignty. You see each and every tree while I am limited and only see a vast forest that is swallowing me. I feel lost in the forest, but You are calling me to trust You. I am answering "I will" even though I don't always feel the "I will" in my heart. When I thought I had life figured out....when I thought I had even You figured out.....You brought Hopey into my life to rescue me from certain danger that pride and self-sufficiency were heaping upon me. You lovingly covered me in Your precious blood and said: "This one....she now belongs to Me!"

O to grace how great a debtor, daily I'm constrained to be. Let thy goodness, like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to Thee. Prone to wander, Lord I feel it....Prone to leave the God I love. Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it. Seal it for thy courts above.

"I am forever in debt to you.....Your grace fills every hidden crevice deep within my soul. Your goodness beckons me even when I wander from You out of confusion and hurt. When things go wrong, I sometimes turn from You....I feel like throwing my hands up and giving up completely. But Father, the truth is, You are the One I love. You are the love affair of my life. Here is my heart Lord; I give it to you. Even though I do not know what news I will learn on Friday when we take Hopey in for her MRI, even though her future is uncertain, I choose to give you my heart, I choose to give you my baby girl, once again, and I ask that You seal me and my family for eternity that is surely to come."

Cave Woman

To "escape", I read. Funny how humans want to escape pain, isn't it? My body doesn't react too favorably when we get bad news about our baby girl. I have been through it so many times before, I have learned to dread the onslaught of fear, panic, tears, and solitude. At any given moment, unannounced, one of these emotions pops in for a visit to make me squirm. A book becomes a welcome distraction for me---a way of keeping the emotions at an arm's length. Right now the book is Ted Dekker's latest novel: "The Bride Collector". It is a thriller of all things, but it is rescuing me when I feel darkness creeping closer.

You would have to read the book to fully appreciate the depth of Dekker's thought processes as he masterfully develops his characters, but in this book in particular, he is diving into the human psyche in a way that is riveting to say the least. Riveting and revealing, I should say. One point he makes is that humans tend to use distractions to keep our minds off of the fact that we are truly all alone in this "life journey". This point is ringing clear to me as I feel more and more lonely....not in a way of needing companionship and conversation , but in a way of feeling empty.

Times like this make me keenly aware of how big God is and how small and helpless I am. This makes me angry if I am honest, because I don't like being vulnerable. However, angry or not, I am continually reminded that I am on God's formidable train heading for the many stops He has chosen for me and there is nothing I can do but hang on for the ride and participate in all He has for me during the trip. Jumping off of His train doesn't change the train's destination, it only changes MY final destination----whereas remaining on the train will eventually lead to an eternity where everything will be made right and perfectly good. That is my hope.

Solitude, a word I wrote above, may seem a bit out of place to some who might surmise to know "how I must be feeling". Before Hopey, I don't believe that word existed in my life, because I am generally a "people person". Like I reach for shoes before taking a walk, I now reach for solitude when I receive bad medical news on Hope. Phone calls too often become unwelcome interruptions, the doorbell a device I wish I could yank out of the brick to stomp on, and carrying on a conversation becomes nearly impossible with scrambled-up thoughts (at best) forming in my mind. Shutting out the world enables me to maintain a small bit of control in the midst of an out-of-my-control circumstance. Anorexia and Bulemia are ways a large percentage of women who have out of control lives "cope". Solitude is a way this woman, who fears losing her treasured baby girl, "copes".

You see, by not taking that phone call, I won't be hurt by what the person on the other side of the call might say or not say.....If I don't answer the door, I won't have to worry about breaking down and crying in front of a friend.....and if I am careful of WHEN I choose to go out in public and WHERE I choose to go, I easily avoid having to carry on an unplanned conversation about the weather when my heart is breaking over my daughter. Solitude has eerily become an ally.

There is more. At times I feel like my time with Hope and the rest of my family, all of us together, is sacred. I have an instinct that wants to protect it....guard it.

I hate this. I hate being a "Cave Woman"!

In the kitchen, before dinner time, Lydia took out her violin and played some up-beat fiddle tunes. While Lydia played, Natalie and I clapped our hands and danced around the kitchen knowing Hope would follow. She did, pausing only when the excitement was more than she could bear causing her to stop and stand with her hands folded under her chin in a full out giggle....then she would promptly join in again. Literally, filled from head to toes with joy.

Later in the evening, Hope wrestled with Caleb.....crawled around the floor with Lydia in a game of chase....jumped on top of Natalie while Natalie was napping on the couch (nearly scared poor Nat too death).....climbed on top of the kitchen table just because she has learned to climb....insisted I make Charlie share his cereal with her (which tickled Charlie and became a game of "my turn").....slapped our cat full on the back before Cassie knew what hit her (if you knew Cassie, who is more tiger than kitty, you'd realize she probably deserved it).....emptied kitchen drawers onto the floor for a good laugh and then ran as fast as her legs would carry her to hide.....and the list goes on. The little pistol makes her self the absolute center of the Hollis family world every single day. Always getting into something. Always funny. Always full of life. Period.

Hope is in bed now.....sound asleep. Standing at the doorway, I can hear her snoring and Charlie breathing. I tried to sleep, but the events of the evening kept running through my head. My family. Complete. Whole. Beautiful. Perfect.

How much longer can I keep her, Lord? Please don't take her from me.

A Note From Natalie....

We adopted Nat-Nat from a Russian orphanage nearly eight and a half years ago when she was only three years old. Chappy and I are continually amazed by how far our Russian princess has come. This year, for the very first time, Natalie has been an official "school girl". She began the fifth grade in January---mid-school year---and has done so well. In fact, tomorrow she will be receiving an award at school. Chappy and I will be attending the award ceremony and can hardly wait!

Natalie doesn't write (for public viewing) very often. She was born with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and it has impacted her ability to organize thoughts making writing (and communication in general) often difficult. However, Natalie asked to be able to share her heart this evening, willing to humble herself before all of you. I am typing exactly what she has written and will only correct her spelling. She worked diligently on this for three hours this evening....I know the Father is pleased with Natalie's eagerness to share her heart:


When I was born, my mom didn't want a child. So she left, and one of her friends saw me the next day. I found out I was not with my mom (I was in the orphanage and thought there was no hope for me), but when I was three years old there was a mom and dad. They came to me and introduced themselves to me. After a couple of weeks, I was walking out of the orphanage with my new mom and dad. When we got off the airplane from Russia, I saw a girl and boy waiting for me. The boy's name was Caleb and the girl's name was Lydia. We headed home.

When Lydia and I were five and Caleb was nine, my mom and dad came into the girls' room. They said, "It is something in mom's tummy." So, I screamed, " A baby!" I was right.

Before we had the baby the doctor first told us it is a girl and second she has Down Syndrome. We didn't know what to think, but we knew we weren't going to abort her. When we had the girl, we named her Hope. Though when Hope was five days old she had a stomach surgery. Here is the reason we named her Hope: The doctors and nurses told us: "She won't make it because of her heart; there isn't any hope". Hope is a perfect name.

After her second and latest (third) open heart surgeries, we believed she would live and she has. When Hope had her recent open heart surgery (6 months ago), the doctors found an aneurysm in her heart which can't be fixed. Hope had a heart check up last week and the aneurysm has gotten worse. That's the story.

When Hopey was just born I would stand around the hospital bed praying for her and knowing she was going to make it. With the situation, I love Hope even a thousand times more. I am going to keep praying for a miracle. God has taught me alot of stuff. Right now Hope can't sing and she doesn't dance too perfectly, but some day in heaven she will have her own mansion. She will be in a marching band in heaven in the very front singing "This Little Light of Mine" and dancing perfectly, but right now on earth she is on the very bottom to people. In heaven she will be at the very highest rate you could get to.

God saved me from the orphanage and He taught me to never give up. I will keep doing the fruits of the spirit: Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, and Self-Control. Hope can't do everything I can do, so I will do my best. I like the verse that says: "Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you." Psalm 55:22.

The reason I wrote this blog tonight was because tomorrow I am earning my first very big award. I have no clue what it is for yet, but I know it is big. Hope will never be able to be a great writer because of her Down Syndrome, so I want to write for her tonight. I want to do my best at everything I can do because she will never do all that I can do. Tomorrow I will accept my award for Hope. She is the reason I work hard every day. Her little light keeps shining.

Thank you for praying and please keep praying. Blessings and Love,
Natalie