Hey blog family,
I would like to request prayer from you all. Tomorrow, we take both Hopey and Charlie in for heart check-ups. Most of you are aware that Hope has already been through three serious open heart surgeries and still has an aneurysm (nicknamed her "Love Balloon") in her heart. Whoa, I get nervous butterflies just typing about her diagnosis. I don't know what we will learn tomorrow, but I admit I am full of fear. Each time Chappy and I pull into the Vanderbilt Children's Hospital parking garage, I have to literally force my legs to carry me into the hospital.....as we take the elevator to the 5th floor, I have to remind myself to breathe......and as Hope begins her appointment, I pray without ceasing begging God to perform a miracle. Tomorrow will be no different. So, simply picture Hopey with her hair up in high pony tail on her head topped with a big golden bow, wearing her green smocked dress with a school bus on the front when you pray for her. Our little baby doll.
Charlie, the sweetest of all red heads, was born with a small hole in his heart. The cardiologist hopes we will find it has closed on its own and will not require surgery.
The word for the day tomorrow will be VULNERABLE. Chappy and I will be like worthless lumps of nothingness just waiting on the stab to come puncture the most guarded part of our souls. It is almost like PAIN stalks us, watches us, and is lying in wait.
Hope is already down for the night. Our nightly ritual ends when I count to three and allow her favorite blankets to parachute over her head before resting perfectly around her tiny body. In response, she shakes her hands in glee and squeals with laughter.....every single night....it never gets old to her. Tell me, how in the world can I sleep this evening knowing I am carting her in to potential bad news tomorrow? On the outside, she is perfectly fine....full of energy and joy. It is so difficult to fathom her heart is struggling so. Oh God, please let tomorrow be different; please heal Hopey's heart.
I know there are many who would remind me this evening that "faith is the opposite of fear" and I should exercise faith in both word and deed for God to do his healing work in Hope's heart. Truth is, this old warrior mom is tired. Faith has not been a friend to me when it has come to Hope's heart. While I know God is intimately involved in her prognosis, and while I believe with all of my heart He can heal her, I am also painfully aware that He is in control and ordered Hope's days long before she entered the world. Faith, I have found, is accepting His plan over my own. Not easy, and had I been God, it certainly wouldn't have been my way of designing the order of things.
For many years I talked a good talk, friends. You would have possibly called me the "finest Christian" you had ever met. I might have even agreed silently, while quickly telling you with word that you were being way too kind. Pride it is called, isn't it, that comes before a fall? Chopped at the knees by a little 5lb. 2oz. baby with Down syndrome. God certainly does use the weakest to confound the strong and "wise".
Thank you in advance for your prayers tomorrow. I know you already know that I love my little ones with a crazy kind of love, and I would wish to protect them all the days of their lives from any and all kinds of harm. If there were a "recipe" for healing, know that I would follow it to the letter. I am capable of that. Alas, however, there is none. So, as I have done for four years, I will take one step at a time tomorrow in hope of finding that pot of gold at the end of the proverbial rainbow. It's time. God, please hear me, it is time for You to heal Hopey's heart. Forgive me for where I have failed You, and please don't hold my sins against little Hopey in any way.....I beg of You, dear Lord, show me Your power!