The flow of money slowed significantly today. Maybe because it is Saturday. Lydia's skip to the mailbox continued, however, throughout the day. Her smile is still bright , although I know she noticed. She never commented on it.
I'm feeling very contemplative this evening. I've spent much of the day in quiet conversation with the Lord:
"Father, help us help Darya."
"Are You planning to provide $20,000.00 by Thanksgiving, because we still have a long way to go."
"By the way, how many orphans do You want us to take into our home?"
"What if one of them struggles with ongoing health issues like Hope has?"
"Do You think I could handle that?"
"What would our future look like with a house full of special needs kids?"
"I absolutely believe with all of my heart that every child deserves a family...especially the special ones."
"What would I do for You?....anything, Lord."
"No, Father, I can't bear to allow myself to think of Hope or Charlie being sentenced to life in a crib with no human touch or love."
"If I could only see the future, I would follow You without hesitation."
"Why didn't you make faith easier?"
"If Lydia earns the $20,000.00 by Thanksgiving, that will be a sign."
"I'm sorry for asking for a sign."
"I know what You are asking of me....others don't know yet, but I do."
"Obedience....it is my choice...really....up to me?"
CRAZY FOR HIM!!! THAT IS WHAT HE IS TEACHING ME TO BE THROUGH THIS DARYA PROJECT.....I ASKED THE LORD TO MAKE ME TRULY CRAZY IN LOVE WITH HIM, AND HE IS DOING IT....IT JUST "AIN'T" EASY.....HE IS SHOWING ME SOME REAL UGLINESS IN MY LIFE....HIDDEN DOUBT AND FEAR.....A LITTLE BIT OF HANGING ONTO "COMFORTABLE"......AND HE IS GETTING RID OF IT, AND LET ME TELL YOU, IT IS A PAINFUL PROCESS.
WHEN THE FLOW OF MONEY SLOWED TODAY, I STARTED QUESTIONING EVERYTHING. TRULY, I WONDERED IF IT WAS A SIGN THAT WE ARE MOVING TOO FAST. THEN I REMINDED MYSELF: GOD WILL NEVER TELL ME NOT TO ADOPT ORPHANS. NEVER! AND HE DOESN'T WANT AN ORPHAN TO SUFFER A MOMENT. IT IS HIS DESIRE TO SAVE THEM NOW....HE IS JUST WAITING ON MAN'S OBEDIENCE. HE DIDN'T MESS UP AND CREATE TOO MANY CHILDREN.
IT IS THE ENEMY WHO THROWS DOUBTS MY WAY. HE KNOWS MY HUSBAND IS AWAY AND HE KNOWS I AM TIRED. HE POUNCES ON ME WITH ACCUSATIONS LIKE: "SURELY YOU DON'T THINK YOU CAN HANDLE ANY MORE SPECIAL NEEDS CHILDREN---LOOK HOW YOU STRUGGLE EMOTIONALLY WITH HOPE"S HEART ISSUES, YOU WOULD FALL APART IF YOU HAD ANOTHER HEALTH ISSUE TO DEAL WITH. LET'S FACE IT, DOWN SYNDROME CHILDREN ARE A WILD CARD WHEN IT COMES TO HEALTH."
ALL DAY TODAY, GOD CONTINUED TO SAY TO ME: "MELANIE, I LOVE THEM....THEY ARE MY CHILDREN. YOU ARE A GOOD MOMMA. DOWN SYNDROME DOESN'T BOTHER YOU AT ALL....YOU WILL TREAT THEM LIKE THEY ARE PERFECTLY NORMAL. WHERE SOME WOULD BE EMBARRASSED TO HOLD THE HAND OF A CHILD WITH DOWN SYNDROME, YOU WILL PARADE THEM AROUND PROUDLY JUST LIKE I WOULD. YOU WILL SHOW THEM MY LOVE...... AND THEY NEED MY HUGS THROUGH YOU. THEY NEED TO HEAR MY VOICE THROUGH YOUR VOICE. TRUST ME. I PICKED YOU FOR THIS."
IT IS TRUE....I HAVE A LOVE AND COMPASSION FOR CHILDREN WITH DOWN SYNDROME. IN FACT, AN INSANE COMPASSION. CHAPPY DOES TOO. BUT ENEMY IS ALSO CORRECT, I HAVE A FEAR OF DEALING WITH THE UNCERTAINTY THAT COMES WITH HEALTH ISSUES. ISN'T IT NUTS? GOD REMINDS ME OF MY STRENGTHS AND SATAN OF MY WEAKNESS. A BATTLE.
DARYA IS HEALTHY. GREAT! NADINE IS HEALTHY. GREAT! DARYA AND NADINE ARE NOT IN THE SAME ORPHANAGE. PROBLEM! THERE IS ANOTHER LITTLE ONE WITH DOWN SYNDROME IN DARYA'S ORPHANAGE....VIVIENNE. LITTLE VIV. SHE HAS HEALTH ISSUES. A HEART DEFECT. GOD, THAT WOULD BE ASKING ALOT OF ME.
CHAPPY COMES HOME FROM AFRICA TOMORROW. MY ROCK. I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL HE HOLDS ME IN HIS ARMS AND SAYS...."WHATEVER GOD HAS CALLED US TO DO, WE CAN HANDLE IT, MEL!" I LOVE HIM SO MUCH. IT HAS BEEN A LONG TWO WEEKS WITHOUT HIM.
"I can do ALL THINGS through Christ, who gives me strength!"